


Useless

by starlightwalking



Series: A-Spectrum Anthology [21]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Demiromantic Magnus Burnsides, F/F, F/M, Mutual Pining, Useless Lesbians, setting up your friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 12:19:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14164698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightwalking/pseuds/starlightwalking
Summary: At this point, Carey was pretty sure Magnus was trying to ruin her life.





	Useless

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tolkienguardians](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tolkienguardians/gifts).



> happy belated birthday Ani !!!!! <3

At this point, Carey was pretty sure Magnus was trying to ruin her life.

Every conversation inevitably turned into one about her love life. And, okay, sure, that was mostly her fault. She just couldn't shut up about Killian.

"So just ask her out!" Magnus exclaimed. "It's not that hard!"

"Says  _you_ ," Carey mumbled. "You're aro! You've never asked anyone out!"

Magnus raised an eyebrow. "Okay, fine. But that doesn't change anything. Unless  _she_  asks you out—"

"She doesn't even like me!" Carey protested. "We're just friends..."

"Hey, come on,  _we're_  friends and we're not 'just' anything!" Magnus scolded.

"Sorry. You know what I mean." Carey bit her lip. "And honestly that's  _why_  it's so terrifying to think about asking her out, what if I ruin our friendship? Then I'll  _never_  get to see her!"

"You are  _way_  overthinking this." Magnus snorted. "I'm  _positive_  she likes you. Like, one-hundred-percent. And I  _know_  she wants you to ask her out."

"I don't believe you, you're oblivious to this shit by your own admission," Carey shot back.

"Only to a certain extent, and you are the most obvious lesbian in existence!" Magnus rolled his eyes.

"I'm a useless lesbian," Carey said glumly.

"And so is Killian, or you guys would have been dating since high school!" Magnus sighed. "You're acting like a teenager. I know college kids are dumb, but we're supposed to be smarter than this!"

"I barely graduated high school and I don't even know how I got in here," Carey said, "and besides, I didn't take a class on being  _gay_!"

"Jules agrees with me, and she knows what's up," Magnus said.

"You talk about Julia so much that I'd almost say you liked her if I didn't know you were aro," Carey grumbled. "I thought you were all about respecting boundaries and not forcing people into relationships!"

"I am, but this is a special case. You and Killian just need a little extra  _push_." Magnus smirked. "And about Jules...we've been fucking for long enough that if anything was gonna happen, it would have happened by now."

"I'm done with this conversation," Carey declared, throwing her hands up in the air. "You're insufferable. You're trying to—to ruin my life!"

"You do that all on your own," Magnus said, but Carey pretended not to hear him.

* * *

Carey slammed the door to her apartment and went to collapse on her couch with a groan, but Magnus was sitting there with a smug look on his face.

"What are you doing here?" she grumbled. After the night she'd had, she didn't know if she could deal with Magnus's shit.

"You gave me a key to your apartment, like, a year ago," he said. "I just never used it til now. At least, not so you'd notice."

"Are  _you_  the one who's been stealing my Cheetos?" Carey demanded. "All this time, I thought Lucretia had a secret craving for that sweet cheesy dust..."

"You'd be surprised. Cretia's got tons of secrets."

"So do  _you_!" With no couch to flop onto, Carey fell to the ground. "You told me tonight would be a night out with friends but it was  _not_! Only Kravitz, Killian, and Taako showed up! And Kravitz and Taako were positive this was a double date!" She groaned into the itchy carpet. "I was  _so_  embarrassed. Killian was blushing  _so_  much—she was so  _cute_ —"

Magnus only started to laugh. "Well, how was it, besides that?" he asked.

"You planned all this! Were Kravitz and Taako in on it too?" she demanded.

"Maybe, maybe not," Magnus said.

"So that's a  _yes_." Carey rolled over and looked up at him with betrayal. "Only Taako could come up with this sort of idea. You're too dumb for that."

"Hey! I've got like, a +2 intelligence!" Magnus protested.

"That's a lie and you know it. I've seen your grades—and your character sheet," Carey grumbled.

"It was Kravitz's idea," he sulked.

"You ditched me yesterday too, hanging out with Julia in the library," Carey snapped "Some friend you've been, Mags!"

"Ouch, don't be mean!" Magnus pouted. He scooted over on the couch. "Here, come on up."

Carey crawled over and curled up in a ball in the corner of the couch. "How nice of you to invite me to sit on my own couch." She wondered if she was being too passive-aggressive, but she was seriously irritated and didn't feel all that bad about it.

He elbowed her. "Wanna tell me about your date?"

"No, and it wasn't a  _date_ , whatever you wanted it to be," Carey insisted. "So unless you want me to pester you about your not-date with Julia—"

"Subject closed, I get it!" Magnus blushed. "Jules is just...different, okay? I didn't mean to leave you hanging."

"Whatever, it's fine." Carey raised an eyebrow. "Just don't do that to me again. Ditching me for her  _or_  setting me up on a date."

* * *

_text from_   **Margaret Surnbides** _, 6:49pm:  
_ hey dude something came up i won't be able to make it to the show tonight! sorry!

 _text from_ **lizbian** _, 6:52pm:_  
you are so fucking dead  
_download attachment?_

 _text from_ **Margaret Surnbides** _, 6:53pm:  
_ sorry bad service im just going to assume thats a pic of u and killian making out in the auditorium ?

 _text from_ **lizbian** _, 6:55pm:  
_ i'm blocking your number you asshole

 _text from_ **lizbian** _, 6:58pm:  
_ the show's starting but if you are hanging with julia again i s2g

 _text from_ **Margaret Surnbides** _, 8:37pm:  
_ tell me all about the show when you get home. im in ur apartment

 _text from_ **Margaret Surnbides** _, 8:38pm:  
_ unless you're staying the night at Killian's ?

 _text from_ **lizbian** _, 8:47pm:  
_ mags i m. so gay

* * *

"So how was the show?" Magnus asked in a sing-song voice the moment Carey walked into her apartment.

Carey threw her keys at him, too angry to respond.

"Ow!" he exclaimed, smacking them away from his face. "You're lucky I've got like 113 hitpoints."

"Like that did any damage, I know your armor class," Carey snapped.

"Gotta roll a better intimidation check than that to scare  _me_!" Magnus said. "So? Tell me about the show! Hurley and Sloane sure put on an act together, huh? Can you believe they wrote that thing?"

"Yeah, music and everything, and gay as fuck," Carey conceded. "It got real intense in the second act, too—Killian started crying and um." She looked away from Magnus, knowing how smug he'd feel hearing this next part. "She held my hand for like, two whole songs."

Magnus let out a squeal of glee. "I  _knew_  it! So why are you here instead of her place?"

"We're not  _dating_ , get that idea out of your head!" Carey insisted. She clenched her fists, trying to fight back her frustration. Magnus was taking this too fucking far. "Friends hold hands sometimes, especially in like intense emotional moments..."

"When a lesbian holds another lesbian's hand that generally does  _not_  mean they're in for some platonic fun times. Just ask Hurley and Sloane!"

"So what about you and Julia holding hands the other day?" Carey snapped. That was low of her, and she knew it, but right then she felt like doing anything that would get Magnus to  _think_  for once in his life.

"I really don't—dude, we're friends with benefits. And I like her. I'm aro, you know that." Magnus folded his arms. "Why are you being—"

"Why are  _you_  being so insistent that I get with Killian? What if I didn't want to?" Carey demanded.

"But I know you do!" Magnus insisted.

"What about Killian? Do you  _know_  about her?" This wasn't just about Carey—god, she could only imagine what Killian was thinking...

"Well—I'm pretty sure. Julia agrees with me." But Magnus was starting to look more and more uncomfortable, and frankly, Carey wanted him to be.

"That doesn't make it okay. You've always hated this stupid trope of people bugging their friends to date and now you're doing the  _exact same thing_!" Carey snapped. "Magnus, you need to take a long hard look at yourself and decide if you actually value the things you say you do and if you're actually friends with the people you say you are. And I don't just mean whatever you've got going on with Julia—I mean me too. I don't want you doing this any more. I can deal with Killian  _on my own_."

She took a deep breath, surprised at her own anger. Magnus sat quietly, his shoulders slumped.

"I'm sorry," he said huskily. "I'll go. I'll—I'm sorry."

Carey stood still as he got up and went to the door. He hesitated before leaving, but didn't look back over his shoulder, and she didn't say anything.

* * *

Carey didn't talk much to her best friend for the next week. She felt guilty about what she'd said, but not that guilty. She stood by what she meant.

Magnus may have been acting like a bit of a hypocrite, but Carey had, too. Every time she saw Killian now, she couldn't stop thinking about the double date, and the show they'd seen, and the hand holding... She wished she'd had the courage to talk to Killian about that moment after the show ended, but...

Maybe Magnus had a point. Maybe she really  _did_  have a chance with Killian.

So one night, a week after her argument with Magnus, she took the chance and invited Killian over to hang out. Lucretia was out on some scientific research trip; their apartment was all hers. (And Killian's.)

But when she opened the door—

"Oh my god," she whispered, the blood draining from her face.

"What do you—Um...!" Killian trailed off, her eyes wide.

Cutouts of paper hearts, every color of the rainbow, were plastered all over the walls. Streamers hung from the ceiling, and a large sign was posted on the wall in all-too-familiar messy handwriting: "SURPRISE!"

"I didn't know it was Valentine's Day," Killian began awkwardly.

Carey looked at her, then at the mess of the room, then at her again. "I didn't... Killian... Uhhh..." God  _fucking_  damn it—Magnus had done it again! After all that fighting!

"More like Palentine's day?" she suggested weakly.

"This is the gayest thing I've seen all day, and I looked in the mirror this morning," Killian said admiringly. "All this for me? Carey, you didn't have to."

"I didn't—!" Carey slapped her face. "Killian, you've gotta believe me, I didn't do this—it was Magnus!"

"What?" Killian exclaimed. "Magnus?"

"He's been trying to set us up for weeks," Carey grumbled. "The double date with Kravitz and Taako, the play..."

"Oh." Killian bit her lip. "And here I was thinking you were...well, nevermind."

"No, I do!" she exclaimed, flustered. "I mean—wait, what do I mean?" She looked up at Killian helplessly. "I'm so sorry, Killian."

Killian touched her hand. "It's okay, I know you don't mean anything by it. Still wanna hang?"

"In here?" Carey yelped.

"We can pretend it's a date," Killian joked. "Practice for whenever one of us manages to snag a girlfriend..."

 _I want_ you  _to be my girlfriend!_  Carey thought helplessly. God, she was absolutely  _useless_. If only Killian—

"Oh  _fuck_ this!" Carey snapped. She grabbed Killian and pulled her down into a kiss before she lost the nerve.

"Mmmf!" Killian squeaked in astonishment, but after a moment, she grabbed onto Carey and lifted her up off her feet, kissing her back.

Carey broke away, breathless, her head spinning. "Ohmygod..." she whispered. "Ohmygod... Ohmygod..."

Killian laughed, still holding Carey close to her chest. "Carey! I was beginning to think you'd never—"

"Well why didn't you?" she exclaimed. "I mean—Magnus  _told_  me you liked me but I—"

"Oh shut up and let me kiss you!" Killian said, and Carey obliged.

"Is that her?" said a voice from down the hall.

"Carey?" called Magnus.

Carey froze. As Magnus and Julia walked in, she jumped ten feet away from Killian, horribly conscious of the blush beneath her scales.

Magnus stopped as soon as he saw what was going on. His eyes flitted between Killian, Carey, and the decorations.

"I can explain," he began, but Carey wasn't listening.  _She_  was looking at Magnus's shirtless torso, Julia's dishevelled hair, the fact that they'd come from her room—

"Were you two fucking on my bed?" she demanded.

"No!" they both exclaimed at once, horrified.

"Um—Magnus? And—is it Julia?" Killian interjected. "What's...what's up, I guess?"

"I cannot believe you came back to do this  _again_!" Carey snapped, stepping up to glare at Magnus. She poked him in the chest with a clawed finger, not bothering to feel bad as he winced. "After last time I saw you—"

"This isn't for Killian!" he protested. "It's for you!"

"Me?" Carey blinked, confused. "I—what?"

"Come on, we'll show you," Julia said. She grabbed Carey's hand and led her down into her room. "It was supposed to be a surprise, but it didn't exactly turn out the way we planned!"

When Carey stepped into her room, she saw more of the same kind of festive decorations, featuring blue and yellow, her favorite colors, most prominently. Stuffed animals covered her bed, giraffes and crocodiles and bears. There was another sign in here, but this one read...

"Sorry," she murmured.

"I wanted to apologize for—" Magnus glanced at Killian awkwardly. "You know. You were right. About everything, really. I shouldn't have poked my nose in your business. And no, we weren't fucking on your bed—I just got glue on my shirt and Julia got tinsel in her hair, so..."

"I think I'm missing something here," Killian said. "This...isn't for me, then, Carey?"

"God, no!" Carey exclaimed. "Magnus—he's—I'll explain later. I may be an overdramatic gay but—"

"Not  _this_  overdramatic," Magnus said sheepishly. "That's me, the drama kid demi."

"Demi?" Carey asked.

Magnus shrugged and turned to wink at Julia. "Well. You got me thinking about other stuff, too. I'm still aro as hell, don't get me wrong, but—"

Julia interrupted him with a smooch, and Carey felt Killian take her hand. Her heart squeezed, and she glanced up to her—girlfriend...?

"Alright," she said abruptly. "Mags—I'll talk to you later. Right now, I think Killian and I are gonna hash some stuff out."

"Finally!" Magus exclaimed, a smile wide across his face.

"We'll let you two be," Julia assured, taking Magnus by the hand and dragging him out of Carey's room.

The door closed behind them, and Carey was left staring up at Killian, lost for words.

"So you were flirting with me this whole time?" she asked, leaning forward.

"I mean—yeah," Killian admitted. She took Carey's hand gently.

"And neither of us made a move," she said. "It took our aro friend to get us together." They were so close...Carey could see her eyelashes fluttering.

"We fit the useless lesbian trope to a T," Killian murmured, her breath warm on Carey's face.

"Mmm," Carey said, and kissed her again. "Not  _too_  useless, though."

She could feel Killian's fangs on her lips, could feel her warmth heating her cold-blooded body, could feel her strong arms wrapped around her—Carey's tail twitched, and she held her girlfriend tight.

"Um—Carey," Killian mumbled. "Claws."

"Ah!" She loosened her grip. "See? Useless."

"Nah, I can dig it," Killian assured her. "I'm sure I can put every bit of you to good use."

"Don't just talk about it," Carey whispered, falling into Killian's arms.

"Are you sure Magnus and Julia are really gone?" Killian asked, glancing over her shoulder.

"I don't care if they're fucking in the living room, I've waited too long for this," Carey said.

"I think your roommate would care," Killian joked. "I met Lucretia once, and—"

"Stop  _teasing_ ," Carey whined.

Killian laughed, then kissed her again. "I can be useless too."


End file.
